Hansel and Gretel

STATE OF SACHERTORTE
DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY
BLACK FOREST FICTIONAL POLICE

Case: 23456
State v. Walpurga Doe

STATEMENT OF COMPLAINING WITNESS HANSEL GUGELHUPF

I, Hansel Gugelhupf, make this statement of my own free will.

1. My name is Hansel Gugelhupf and I’m 9 years old. I live in the Black Forest. Gretel Gugelhupf is my sister. My father is Hans Gugelhupf, the woodcutter.
2. Before this started we all lived together in the forest. We were really poor. Sometimes we didn’t have anything to eat but bark and berries, maybe a tuber. Every now and then we’d trap a rat or a vole and we’d eat that, but one vole doesn’t go far with four people. My father was out all day cutting wood, but it got kind of hard to sell wood after they put the gas line in. And since he lost so many fingers he can’t cut as much as he used to.
3. When all this started we were poorer than we’d ever been before. I heard dad and my stepmom Griselda talking in bed one night. She told him they couldn’t afford to keep us anymore, so they’d have to take us into the woods and leave us there. My dad didn’t want to, but she wore him down.
4. I never thought they’d really do it, but the next day Griselda said we would all go into the forest together. She’d help dad cut wood, and we’d stack. For any of us to come with him was a new idea. That’s when I first thought they might really try to lose us.
5. I was scared but I remembered the story of Theseus and Ariadne which the troubadour told us before the bears got him, the thread and all. So I figured out that if I picked up a bunch of white stones from the driveway and dropped them behind me as we went I’d be able to find our way back.
6. So dad and Griselda took us into the forest and we camped out. I wanted to stay awake to watch them but I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up they were gone. Gretel and I used the white stones to get home. Griselda was all thank heaven you’re home, I was afraid we’d lost our babies, and so on, but that didn’t fool me because I’d heard them. Dad just looked ashamed but didn’t say anything.
7. They tried this again a few days later. This time I couldn’t get any stones, they were watching me. But I had a piece of cold pizza I found in a dumpster at one of the forest campsite parking lots, so I dropped little pieces of that behind me this time. But the birds ate the pizza, and we were stuck.
8. I was glad when we found the candy house. We were hungry anyway, bark can get you just so far and the voles had migrated, and so we just started in eating the siding. Then this witch came out, Walpurga I later learned she was, and asked us what we were doing, and I said were lonely abandoned children and we needed something to eat. She invited us in and gave us lunch. She told us she liked children and we could work for her making candy. That seemed pretty cool. It wasn’t until later I found out that liking children meant liking to eat them.
9. The house was a trap to lure children for her to capture and eat. We weren’t the first. I found a room full of children’s clothing. She kept feeding us fattening food, mayonnaise and peanut butter and milkshakes. Then the second day I woke up in a wicker cage. I figured out that Walpurga was going to fatten me up to eat. I confronted her and she admitted it.
10. While I was caged up Walpurga made Gretel do all the work, preparing the candy ingredients and so on, mixing in the M&Ms, firing up the oven. I just sat in my cage eating mayonnaise. Finally on the fifth day Gretel tricked Walpurga. She said the oven wouldn’t work and got Walpurga to stick her head inside to see what the problem was, and Gretel pushed her in, slammed the door, turned on the gas, and ran to let me out. We broke open a storeroom to look for evidence to support our story and found some bags of gold coins. We took all we could carry – she owed us after what she tried to do to us, and anyway she’s a witch, that’s not stealing when you take from a witch. Then we lit out of there. Just before we left we heard a bang from the kitchen and the oven door opened and Walpurga jumped out, but by this time she was baked into a gingerbread cookie. Not much problem outrunning a cookie.
11. The Black Forest is a small community, and after we got home the story got around what had happened. First they came and took Gretel and me out to Juvie for the gold. Then the Child Protection Unit busted Mom and Dad for endangering us, and then they added another PWRF on him, poaching wood royal forest. I don’t know how many times that has been for him. That woodcutting thing is so over.
12. So the family is all busted up now, and it’s all the fault of that witch. I agreed to testify against her if they’d drop all the charges against me. I hope they get her good this time! Stupid witch!

I DECLARE UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF SACHERTORTE THAT THE FOREGOING IS TRUE AND CORRECT.

Hansel Gugelhupf

DATED: September 12, YR-0

STATE OF SACHERTORTE
DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY
BLACK FOREST FICTIONAL POLICE

Case: 23456
State v. Walpurga Doe

TRANSCRIPTION OF INTERVIEW WITH PRISONER WALPURGA DOE

Detective Sergeant Miranda: Ms. Doe, you have the right to remain silent.

Walpurga Doe: Just try to keep me quiet! This is an outrage!

DSM:

I have to go through these anyway. Any statement you make may be used against you.

WD:

I figured that part out.

DSM:

You have the right to have an attorney present, and if you can’t afford an attorney one will be appointed for you.

WD:

I don’t need any attorney. They’re worse than you guys.

DSM:

Do you understand all that, but are willing to talk to me anyway?

WD:

At the moment, but I’m losing my patience.

DSM:

Almost done with this part. Would you state your name?

WD:

Walpurga.

DSM:

I know we’ve asked you this before, but now we’re recording and I’d like to get your answer down for the record. Walpurga, what’s your last name?

WD:

Walpurga is my last name.

DSM:

I mean, what is your second name?

WD:

My only name is Walpurga. Let’s get that part right, anyway. Your bureaucrats have been bugging me about that since your goons arrested me. One name, that’s all I go by. Just because you patriarchal control freaks try to make everybody have two names, so you can keep track of them better, that’s not my problem. Walpurga is my name, all of it, and you’re lucky I’m telling you that much.

DSM:

All right, Walpurga. Now, do you know Hansel Gugelhupf?

WD:

Yes I do. He’s that sniveling kid who came to my house with his dorky sister and caused so much trouble.

DSM:

Do you know he said you tried to kill him, and his sister, by cooking them in your oven, in order to eat them?

WD:

That’s [deleted]. Complete [deleted]. But I’ll tell you this, if I ever get that kid alone now, after all the trouble he’s caused me, I’ll [deleted] eat him raw. Just kidding.

DSM:

Of course. Well, could you tell me how you remember it all happening?

WD:

I was in my house one morning …

DSM:

That would be your house in the Black Forest?

WD:

Yes, deep in the darkest part of the forest.

DSM:

Why do you live so deep in the forest?

WD:

To stay away from jerks like you.

DSM:

And then what happened?

WD:

I heard a kind of gnawing sound. So I went outside to find out what was going on, and there was this kid …

DSM:

Hansel Gugelhupf?

WD:

As I later learned, yes, and his sister, eating the siding off my breakfast room.

DSM:

Eating the siding?

WD:

It was marzipan.

DSM:

Why …

WD:

Will you stop interrupting me? Let me tell my story my way, or you can just shove it!

DSM:

Sorry.

WD:

These kids were eating my marzipan siding, which is not easy stuff to replace, let me tell you. And later I found some of the chocolate door-fittings were gone, and the rock-candy window in the bathroom, and some other stuff.

I demanded to know what they were up to, and they started crying, at least the boy did, the girl seemed more together, and they began blubbering out this lame story that their parents led them into the woods and abandoned them there, and they were hungry, and lost, and boo hoo hoo.

So I let them in. What was I supposed to do, leave them outside to eat the rest of my siding? I told them they could stay if they would work for me making candy.

My candy house is performance art, really, an installation piece. It’s what I do. I did the Shoe for the old lady with all those kids. The House that Jack built was my design, and the Pumpkin Coach was mine too, that got me into carbohydrates, and the Candy House is something I’m working on now. So I put them to work making junior mints. To cap the roofing nails.

Those kids stayed with me four or five days. They ate more than they made. I kept trying to get rid of them, send them back home or off to the city or somewhere out of my hair, but I couldn’t shake them and I was too kind-hearted just to throw them out like it turns out I should have.

And the thanks I get is that on the fifth day they ganged up on me, stuffed me into the oven, stole my gold, and tried to frame me for murder. Attempted murder, I mean. If they’d been able to get that oven lighted I’d be a ginger-snap today!

It was all a setup to get my gold, if you ask me. There was no abandonment. They knew I had gold coins and wormed their way into my house so they could knock me out and rob me and their whole lowlife family could live off my gold. And that’s the way it turned out, too.

That’s all I know about it. I never laid a hand on those little creeps. I never kept them against their will. And I certainly never tried to kill them. If I had they wouldn’t be around today, you can bet on that. Is that all?

DSM:

Almost all. Just a few questions. Why do you have such a large oven?

WD:

For making candy.

DSM:

Do you have a license to operate an industrial kitchen?

WD:

I’ve been trying to tell you, this is art, not industry. It’s an artist’s studio, not an industrial kitchen. I have an artistic license.

DSM:

We found some grease in the oven and we’re not sure what it is. It’s animal fat of some kind and our chemists think it might be from children baked in your oven. Can you help us here?

WD:

Probably lard or maybe cream. German dessert recipes can get kind of heavy.

DSM:

Where did you get all that gold?

WD:

None of your beeswax. That’s between me and the tax man. How about you and your cop buddies doing something about getting my gold back instead of blaming the victim, how about that?

DSM:

What about that room we found, full of children’s clothing?

WD:

I was collecting them for the Salvation Army. You guys are suspicious of every little thing. When did you last do anything for charity, tough guy?

DSM:

Are you a witch?

WD:

There you go again. You patriarchal uniform types are so afraid of strong, self-reliant women you get all freaky and superstitious. That question and this frame-up arrest are all part of a conspiracy to suppress our ancient religion. You’ve never been able to make that witchcraft thing stick, the only time you even came close I got a beneficial! Get off my case with this stuff!

DSM:

I guess that’s it, then.

WD:

Plus this whole witch thing is a scam so those kids can keep my hard-earned gold under your stupid discriminatory statute. Can’t you see that?

DSM:

Well, anyway, we’ll have this typed up and brought back to you to sign, if you would, and then we won’t bother you anymore.

WD:

All right. I’ll sign it. And after that maybe you should send me a lawyer, after all. I’m innocent and I demand to be released at once!

I DECLARE UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF SACHERTORTE THAT THE FOREGOING IS AN ACCURATE TRANSCRIPTION OF MY WORDS AND THAT EVERYTHING SAID IS TRUE AND CORRECT.

Walpurga Doe

DATED: September 10, YR-0
Black Forest Jail
State of Sachertorte

STATE OF SACHERTORTE
DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY
BLACK FOREST FICTIONAL POLICE

Case: 23456
State v. Walpurga Doe

STATEMENT OF MATERIAL WITNESS GRETEL GUGELHUPF

I, Gretel Gugelhupf, make this statement of my own free will.

1. My name is Gretel Gugelhupf and I’m 9 years old. Hansel Gugelhupf is my brother. I used to live with my parents in the Black Forest until they busted everybody. My brother and I both live in Juvie now.
2. I have read my brother’s statement and some of it is true and some of it isn’t. That’s ridiculous about starving and being abandoned in the woods. Griselda wouldn’t do anything like that to us. And while things were kind of tight, we never had to live on bark and voles. We always had enough for Bürger King. Woodcutting wasn’t bringing in anything anymore since everyone switched over to gas, and my dad never faced up to that, but Griselda and I did that thing where you address envelopes at home, and we had paper routes, we’d guide tourists in the season, and I guess it’s no secret anymore that Hansel brought in some money dealing pixie dust. So we got by.
3. What really happened was that we got busted for pixie dust, Hansel and I did, and got sentenced to 3 months home confinement. But we got bored at home and snuck out, and on the day this all started we were coming back and saw a cop car in front of our cottage. So we were about to be busted for being AWOL from home confinement, and that meant Juvie. So we went back into the forest to wait it out for a while. I made up the abandonment story to cover our breaking home confinement. It’s a lie. We used to guide tourists around the Black Forest – we didn’t need any pebbles to get home with.
4. It’s true we started eating the siding – we hadn’t planned on staying out overnight and we were hungry. The witch invited us in and fed us and offered us a job making candy. What kid wouldn’t take a job making candy? Besides, there was nothing much happening at home.
5. But after a while we got suspicious because of the fattening diet and the size of the oven, and there was a pile of children’s clothing in one room which Walpurga never could really explain. We thought she might be planning to eat us, and sure enough after about four days she made her move.
6. That part happened just like Hansel said, except there was no wicker cage and he made up the part about baking the witch into a gingerbread cookie. Obviously. What really happened is that when she tried to get us into the oven I got in a lucky punch to the eye, and then while she was kind of reeling Hansel knocked her down and she hit her head. She was knocked out for a bit and we ran out of there as fast as we could.
7. I don’t know anything about any gold coins. I wish I had some now – I’d get a good lawyer, get myself out of Juvie, and split this scene for good. There’s nothing left for me in the Forest anymore. I hear they’re hiring at EuroDisney. Once I get all this behind me I’m out of here.

I DECLARE UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF SACHERTORTE THAT THE FOREGOING IS TRUE AND CORRECT.

Gretel Gugelhupf

DATED: September 12, YR-0

STATE OF SACHERTORTE
BLACK FOREST BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
LABORATORY REPORT

CASE NAME: State v. Doe, No. 23456

1. Residue from interior of oven, crime scene. Animal fat, undetermined species. DNA testing inconclusive due to stork damage main lab.
2. Animal parts from crime scene: bat wings (4), eye of newt (4), toe of dog (8), assorted hair, nail clippings. Also live snakes (11), caged owl.
3. Paper sack containing 15 apples, two syringes, sealed bottle of No-Vole tasteless rodent poison.
4. One mirror. Answers questions but BFBI research indicates all answers completely wrong.
5. Siding sample: contains sugar, flour, eggs, milk, almond extract, confectioner’s glaze, less than 1/10 of 1% benzoate of soda to retard spoilage.

CONFIDENTIAL: FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT USE ONLY

STATE OF SACHERTORTE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
CRIMINAL RECORDS DIVISION

Pursuant to request of Prosecutor, Black Forest Judicial District, the following criminal histories are provided. They may not be complete and do not reflect proceedings in other jurisdictions.

1. Doe, Walpurga. DOB uncertain.

2. Gugelhupf, Hansel. Born March 11, YR-9.

3. Gugelhupf, Gretel. Born October 19, YR-8.

SELECTIONS FROM SACHERTORTE PENAL CODE

S. P. C. § 21: No witness shall be incompetent to testify in a criminal case, nor his, her or its testimony discounted, for reason of age, species, or magical status.

S. P. C. § 341: It shall be a defense to a charge of witchcraft under this Chapter that the magic, if any, was entirely beneficial in intent and effect.

S. P. C. § 819: It shall be a defense to a charge of theft under this Chapter that the person stolen from was a witch as defined in Part 2 of this Chapter.

S. P. C. § 1014: (a) Whoever shall traffic in bats, or any member of the genus Chiroptera, or any part of such bat or chiropterid, shall be guilty of a Class 3 misdemeanor.

(b) Whoever shall commit the offense defined in subsection (a) of this section, with intent that the said bats or chiroptera be used in secret rites of magic, shall be guilty of a class 2 misdemeanor.