WILL SHE OR WON’T SHE?
Note: This was written before Chelsea Clinton announced (on April 17, 2014) that she was expecting a baby.
The curtain rises to reveal Hillary Clinton lying on a chaise longue, eating bonbons from a box on a side table and reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She is wearing sweatpants and a raggedy old sweater; barefoot, glasses, no makeup, and her hair is pulled back in a ponytail. Not taking her eyes from the book, she reaches for another bonbon and turns the page.
Bill Clinton enters with a plate of muffins. He keeps eating them through the first half of the scene.
Bill (with his mouth full)
Hi, darlin’. Whatcha doin’?
Hillary
Reading a Harry Potter. You know, they’re really good!
Bill (offering her the plate)
These are pretty good too. Have an organic vegan kale muffin?
Hillary
What am I, a rabbit? I’m doing OK with chocolate.
Bill
I can’t believe I used to eat chitlins and hush-puppies.
Hillary
I can believe it. I was there.
Bill
I bet they could make vegan hush-puppies. Corn’s OK, you could use soy milk, find something for the eggs …
Hillary
You used to eat hush puppies with red-eye gravy.
Bill (a look of longing in his eye)
Red-eye gravy … [He pulls himself together.] So, my little powder-puff …
Hillary
Bill, I’m not your powder-puff.
Bill (not missing a beat)
… my little Brillo pad, tell me, are you gonna run?
Hillary
Run?
Bill
For President.
Hillary
I don’t know.
Bill
That’s what you tell everyone. But you know, darlin’, this is Bill.
Hillary
No, I really don’t know. I’ll be 67 this year. If I run I’d have to start just after the midterms, work non-stop for two years just to get elected, and then if I win work non-stop another four or maybe eight years being President, a job that turned your hair snow white, and you were much younger than I’d be.
Bill
Your hair won’t turn white, Hillary, I’d bet the farm on that.
[There’s a moment of silence.]
Hillary (frostily)
Very helpful, Bill.
But seriously – do I have to work harder than anyone else in the world until I’m 77 years old? Why? My feet hurt. I didn’t know how tired I was until I stopped working. Counting back, when was the last time I did that? Before Chelsea was born, and she’s 34 now! This Harry Potter – I’m really enjoying just lying on the couch reading about him. I never had time before.
Bill
Harry Potter’s wonderful. Have you gotten to the part where …
Hillary
My feet hurt! I get out of breath sometimes. I like not having to wear a new pants suit every day. If I’m this tired now, how am I going to feel when I’m 77? No, I’m not sure I want it that badly. And I want to spend time with Chelsea’s baby!
Bill
Chelsea had a baby?
Hillary
Not yet. But she probably will have one in the next ten years. When do I get to take her to the zoo?
Bill
If you asked Chelsea she’d probably want you to run.
Hillary
But do I want it enough to go through all that?
Bill
I want it for you, darlin’.
Hillary
No you don’t, you’re just afraid of what I’d be like if I don’t get my heart’s desire when you got yours. Anyway suppose I turn out to be a better President than you? You’d hate it.
Bill
I’m not worried about that.
Hillary
Because you don’t think I could do it. But I could! And I bet I could get through two terms without …
[She stops herself, and there’s another moment of tense silence.]
Bill
It sounds like you’re competitive enough to want to run. Besides, you wouldn’t be running against anyone much, on our side anyway.
Hillary
That’s what we said last time. Maybe it’s too late for me. I’ve been around forever. I’m old news. People could be sick of me, just want someone new, someone younger.
Bill
No one could ever feel that way about you, Hillary.
Hillary
You did!
[Another tense silence. Bill, having finished another kale muffin, without even noticing it starts eating Hillary’s bonbons.]
Hillary
Anyway, it’s not as if I haven’t had an interesting life. I’ve been a senator, and Secretary of State, and a credible candidate for President even if I didn’t win. Am I a failure if I don’t become President of the freaking United States? Henry Clay had both those jobs, and people still remember him!
Bill
No, they don’t.
Hillary
Well, Daniel Webster, then. William Seward! John C. Calhoun!
Bill
Lewis Cass!
Hillary
Stop that. Lewis Cass was a snake.
Bill (amused, getting into the game)
He was a good friend to the South. Schools and counties named after him all across the Midwest. Iowa has a county – we campaigned there. James F. Byrnes!
Hillary (laughing)
No, really, stop it.
Bill
Muskie. And Kerry, for that matter.
Hillary
Eating their hearts out every damn minute, both of them.
Bill
Blaine was Secretary of State twice!
Hillary
Stop it, Bill. Enough already.
Bill
William Jennings Bryan!
Hillary
He was never a senator.
Bill
Yes, he was.
Hillary
No he wasn’t.
Bill
Was too!
Hillary
Was not!
[Another tense silence. Then they both quickly whip out their iPhones, like gunslingers dueling at high noon, and look it up. Hillary wins.]
Hillary
I win! And I’m right, too!
[She offers Bill her phone as proof; Bill doesn’t check it.]
Bill
Definitely sounds like you’re competitive enough to run. Look, no one really knows anything ’til after the midterms. Meanwhile we’re raisin’ money and paralyzin’ everyone else. You don’t have to decide today.
Hillary
That’s right. But do I even want to do this? I just don’t know what I feel!
Bill (gently massaging Hillary in that special spot she likes)
I know what you feel, darlin’.
Hillary (testily)
Oh, Bill.
[A pause; then, in a throaty lower register, not testily at all.]
Oh, Bill …
[The curtain falls.]
February 2014
Will She or Won’t She?
WILL SHE OR WON’T SHE?
Note: This was written before Chelsea Clinton announced (on April 17, 2014) that she was expecting a baby.
The curtain rises to reveal Hillary Clinton lying on a chaise longue, eating bonbons from a box on a side table and reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She is wearing sweatpants and a raggedy old sweater; barefoot, glasses, no makeup, and her hair is pulled back in a ponytail. Not taking her eyes from the book, she reaches for another bonbon and turns the page.
Bill Clinton enters with a plate of muffins. He keeps eating them through the first half of the scene.
Bill (with his mouth full)
Hi, darlin’. Whatcha doin’?
Hillary
Reading a Harry Potter. You know, they’re really good!
Bill (offering her the plate)
These are pretty good too. Have an organic vegan kale muffin?
Hillary
What am I, a rabbit? I’m doing OK with chocolate.
Bill
I can’t believe I used to eat chitlins and hush-puppies.
Hillary
I can believe it. I was there.
Bill
I bet they could make vegan hush-puppies. Corn’s OK, you could use soy milk, find something for the eggs …
Hillary
You used to eat hush puppies with red-eye gravy.
Bill (a look of longing in his eye)
Red-eye gravy … [He pulls himself together.] So, my little powder-puff …
Hillary
Bill, I’m not your powder-puff.
Bill (not missing a beat)
… my little Brillo pad, tell me, are you gonna run?
Hillary
Run?
Bill
For President.
Hillary
I don’t know.
Bill
That’s what you tell everyone. But you know, darlin’, this is Bill.
Hillary
No, I really don’t know. I’ll be 67 this year. If I run I’d have to start just after the midterms, work non-stop for two years just to get elected, and then if I win work non-stop another four or maybe eight years being President, a job that turned your hair snow white, and you were much younger than I’d be.
Bill
Your hair won’t turn white, Hillary, I’d bet the farm on that.
[There’s a moment of silence.]
Hillary (frostily)
Very helpful, Bill.
But seriously – do I have to work harder than anyone else in the world until I’m 77 years old? Why? My feet hurt. I didn’t know how tired I was until I stopped working. Counting back, when was the last time I did that? Before Chelsea was born, and she’s 34 now! This Harry Potter – I’m really enjoying just lying on the couch reading about him. I never had time before.
Bill
Harry Potter’s wonderful. Have you gotten to the part where …
Hillary
My feet hurt! I get out of breath sometimes. I like not having to wear a new pants suit every day. If I’m this tired now, how am I going to feel when I’m 77? No, I’m not sure I want it that badly. And I want to spend time with Chelsea’s baby!
Bill
Chelsea had a baby?
Hillary
Not yet. But she probably will have one in the next ten years. When do I get to take her to the zoo?
Bill
If you asked Chelsea she’d probably want you to run.
Hillary
But do I want it enough to go through all that?
Bill
I want it for you, darlin’.
Hillary
No you don’t, you’re just afraid of what I’d be like if I don’t get my heart’s desire when you got yours. Anyway suppose I turn out to be a better President than you? You’d hate it.
Bill
I’m not worried about that.
Hillary
Because you don’t think I could do it. But I could! And I bet I could get through two terms without …
[She stops herself, and there’s another moment of tense silence.]
Bill
It sounds like you’re competitive enough to want to run. Besides, you wouldn’t be running against anyone much, on our side anyway.
Hillary
That’s what we said last time. Maybe it’s too late for me. I’ve been around forever. I’m old news. People could be sick of me, just want someone new, someone younger.
Bill
No one could ever feel that way about you, Hillary.
Hillary
You did!
[Another tense silence. Bill, having finished another kale muffin, without even noticing it starts eating Hillary’s bonbons.]
Hillary
Anyway, it’s not as if I haven’t had an interesting life. I’ve been a senator, and Secretary of State, and a credible candidate for President even if I didn’t win. Am I a failure if I don’t become President of the freaking United States? Henry Clay had both those jobs, and people still remember him!
Bill
No, they don’t.
Hillary
Well, Daniel Webster, then. William Seward! John C. Calhoun!
Bill
Lewis Cass!
Hillary
Stop that. Lewis Cass was a snake.
Bill (amused, getting into the game)
He was a good friend to the South. Schools and counties named after him all across the Midwest. Iowa has a county – we campaigned there. James F. Byrnes!
Hillary (laughing)
No, really, stop it.
Bill
Muskie. And Kerry, for that matter.
Hillary
Eating their hearts out every damn minute, both of them.
Bill
Blaine was Secretary of State twice!
Hillary
Stop it, Bill. Enough already.
Bill
William Jennings Bryan!
Hillary
He was never a senator.
Bill
Yes, he was.
Hillary
No he wasn’t.
Bill
Was too!
Hillary
Was not!
[Another tense silence. Then they both quickly whip out their iPhones, like gunslingers dueling at high noon, and look it up. Hillary wins.]
Hillary
I win! And I’m right, too!
[She offers Bill her phone as proof; Bill doesn’t check it.]
Bill
Definitely sounds like you’re competitive enough to run. Look, no one really knows anything ’til after the midterms. Meanwhile we’re raisin’ money and paralyzin’ everyone else. You don’t have to decide today.
Hillary
That’s right. But do I even want to do this? I just don’t know what I feel!
Bill (gently massaging Hillary in that special spot she likes)
I know what you feel, darlin’.
Hillary (testily)
Oh, Bill.
[A pause; then, in a throaty lower register, not testily at all.]
Oh, Bill …
[The curtain falls.]
February 2014