STATE OF SACHERTORTE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY BLACK FOREST FICTIONAL POLICE
POLICE REPORT
CASE NAME: State v. Woolf, No. 12345
DEFENDANT: Leonard Woolf, male wolf, age 4 calendar years, 28 wolf years (see Interspecies Age Conversion Table, S.P.D. Regs 45:592). Now in custody at Black Forest Jail; no fixed abode. Occupation hunter-gatherer.
CHARGES:
Murder. Victim Ida J. (“Grandma”) Riding, 78 calendar years, widow, retired jiu-jitsu instructor. Resided at Block 27, Grimm Housing Estates, North Forest, Sachertorte. No body found.
Burglary of above premises.
Violation of Interspecies Dalliance Act. Victim Rhoda (“Red”) Riding-Hood, human female, 18 calendar years.
I’m Rhoda Riding-Hood. I’m 18 years old. They call me “Red” because of my red hair. I wear a red satin cloak now to live up to my name, you know?
Anyway I was just out of jail and kind of resting up before deciding what to do, you know, college or whatever, cosmetology, maybe the army for a while, whatever, you know, and my mother goes, like, Rhoda, bring this stuff up to Grandma’s. So I’m like, OK, let me have the car. And she’s all, “no way, girl, you get into too much trouble with that car, you can walk.” I tell her I’m afraid of the forest but she just tunes me out, like she always does.
So I get all the stuff for Grandma‑‑‑ bread, apple butter, TV Guide, slim jims, eggs, beer nuts, all the stuff she likes, and a bottle of Four Roses, which is like her brand? And I put it into this stupid basket and my mom tells me not to leave the road and I’m all, duh, you know? I know how to get to my own Grandma’s house, right?
So there I am and there is like no one around, and suddenly I see this wolf. And I get like, sort of scared, you know, but the wolf starts talking real soft and smooth, not like some wolves I can think of. Anyway he talks me into going into the woods with him. We drink a little of Grandma’s Four Roses, and one thing led to another, kind of, and we dallied in there. We dallied for quite a while. I thought he was really cool. That’s before I knew he was a murderer. Then I must have dozed off.
When I woke up the wolf was gone. I put the bottle back in the basket and went to Grandma’s house. I went as fast as I could but it was dark by the time I got there. I go inside and I call “Grandma!” but no answer. So I think maybe she’s asleep and I go up to her bedroom.
It was dark there but the moon was like shining, you know, so I pulled back the bed curtains and there she was. I thought she was, anyway. She had a shawl over her face but her ears were sticking out. And I think yuk, gross! I go, Grandma, what hairy ears you have! And she goes, “all the better to hear you with, my dear!” Her voice sounded funny but Grandma was a heavy smoker and her voice got kind of grainy sometimes.
I got to wondering now. I go, Grandma, what big eyes you have! And she’s like, “all the better to see you with, my dear!” And then I see her teeth, and they’re effing huge, and Grandma had these store teeth nothing like that, so now I’m getting scared and I go Grandma! Those teeth! And she’s like, “all the better to eat you with, my dear!” And then she jumps out of the bed and it’s not her, it’s the wolf from the woods dressed up in Grandma’s clothes! Eww!
He jumps out of the bed and grabs me and I think, O wow, he’s going to eat me up, but he just tries to lick my face, and so I knee him one and he goes over and I hit him with the bottle of Four Roses and he’s out. Then I called the cops. While I’m waiting I look around for Grandma but she’s not there. I never seen her again. I’m sure she’s dead or she’d have called by now. He killed her! I want to see him, like, hang!
Rhoda Riding-Hood
STATEMENT OF PRISONER L. WOOLF
(DETECTIVE-SERGEANT MIRANDA READ THE PRISONER HIS RIGHTS, AND THE PRISONER STATED THAT HE UNDERSTOOD THEM BUT WISHED TO MAKE A STATEMENT ANYWAY.)
My name is Leonard Woolf. I didn’t kill nobody, and I didn’t dally with that girl. It’s all a frame-up!
I was on the road to try to find a job. I have an uncle, he’s in rodent control, doing pretty well now all legitimate, and I was going to see him.
But on the way I meet this girl in a red cloak. I know now she’s Rhoda Riding-Hood. I should have just passed her by‑‑ I could tell she was trouble. But she stopped me and asked me the way to the Grimm Estates. I knew I didn’t dare dally with her, what with my record and being on probation and all. But when she offered me a drink of blended whiskey I fell for that. I know it’s bad for a wolf to have whiskey but I couldn’t help myself.
So we went off the road into the woods to have a drink where no one could see us, but I swear I never touched her! Except one time she tripped over a root and I grabbed her with one paw to keep her from falling. But that’s all, I swear it.
Anyway we drank some, and got pretty loaded, and then Red says “meet me at Grandma’s house later on and we’ll party.” Then she passed out, and I thought I’d better get out of here, so I split. It was too late to get to the city before dark, and on probation like I am I didn’t dare get caught out after curfew. So I went to Grandma’s house. It was the only place I could get to before dark. Any port in a storm, right? Maybe the old lady would kick me out but I’d be no worse off than I was now, and maybe she wouldn’t.
So I went to the Grimm Estates and found Grandma’s apartment and knocked at the door but there was no one there. So I busted a window and went in. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I wasn’t going to do nothing bad in there, I swear it, just wait for curfew to be over!
I hung out there for a while until I heard footsteps on the stairs and then a key in the lock and I thought jeez, I’m busted! So I jumped into the bed and put on the hat and nightgown I found there and put the scarf over my head and closed the bed curtain and hoped for the best. The door opened and Rhoda walked in. At first I pretended to be her Grandma but pretty soon she caught on. I jumped out of bed to get out of there but she decked me and when I woke up the police are there.
I’m trying to go straight, work for my uncle, don’t dally across species lines, I check with probation every week like I’m supposed to, I don’t even break curfew! But I bet I go down for this. No one believes you when you’re a wolf.
I’ll sign what I just said, but then I want a lawyer.
his
Leonard
X
Woolf
mark
STATEMENT OF WITNESS THOMAS WOLFE
My name is Thomas Wolfe. I work at the Hotel Black Forest in the rodent control department. I’m a forebeast and have about four predators under me.
I talked with my nephew Leonard about coming to work for me in rodent control. It’s good work for a wolf because it’s what comes natural but it’s all legal. He said he was going to come to the city to try out for it. We never set an exact day or nothing but I expected he would come. He’s a good wolf– he got into a little trouble before but he’s ready to straighten out now and I’m going to stand by him.
Thomas Wolfe
STATE OF SACHERTORTE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY BLACK FOREST FICTIONAL POLICE
POLICE LABORATORY REPORT
CASE NAME: State v. Woolf, No. 12345
Hairs found in bed of deceased analyzed, nine kinds found: six human, two wolf, one cat. No further identification possible. Also owl feathers.
Red satin fibers taken from suspect’s left and right forepaws match those of c/w cloak.
Nightgown and mob-cap worn by suspect at time of arrest both embroidered IJR.
Two blood-stains on nightgown. One is sheep’s blood; the other is of undetermined species as DNA test inconclusive.
CONFIDENTIAL: FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT USE ONLY
STATE OF SACHERTORTE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE CRIMINAL RECORDS DIVISION
Pursuant to request of Prosecutor, Black Forest Judicial District, the following criminal histories are provided. They may not be complete and do not reflect proceedings in other jurisdictions.
1. Woolf, Leonard. Male wolf, born Jun 01, Y-4.
CHARGE
DATE
DISPOSITION
1. Murder
Apr 22, Y-0
awaiting trial
2. I.D.A.
same
same
3. S.I.A.
same
same
4. Poss. Alc. Wolf
same
same
5. Prob. viol.
same
same
6. Sheep-harrying
Sep 14, Y-1
180 days, dungeon; 2 years probation
7. Sheep-harrying
Mar 01, Y-1
120 days, dungeon
8. Petty Theft, Pie
Jan 04, Y-1
60 days, dungeon
9. Grand Theft, Goat
May 15, Y-2
180 days, dungeon
10. Poss. Alc. Wolf
same
60 days, dungeon (concurrent)
11. False Stmt. P.O.
same
acquitted
12. Prob. Viol.
same
60 days, dungeon
13. Poss. Alc. Wolf
Mar 28, Y-2
180 days probation
14. I.D.A.
same
dismissed: no c/w
15. Sedition
Dec 25, Y-3
nol. pros.
16. Poss. Interspec. Porn.
same
same
17. Poss. Sheep Parts
Oct 15, Y-3
30 days, dungeon
18. Poss. Sheep Parts
Jul 01, Y-3
90 days probation
19. Poss. Sheep Parts
May 11, Y-3
diversion, juv.
2. Rhoda Riding-Hood, aka “Red”. Female human, born 07 Jan Y-18.
Poss. Alc. Wolf is like the statutes used to keep alcohol from Indians. Interspecies Dalliance Act a sort of miscegenation statute not requiring actual sex. (So what does it require, what can be shown? Second “offense” for wolf– is 1st admissible?) Whether going into woods to drink with girl is IDA is jury question. Interspecies porn charge one more example of how this is segregated society. Is curfew just for animals too? Beginnings of social argument here for wolf.
Wolf is basically telling truth. Guilty of alcohol charge, so maybe of probation violation also. No mens rea for cross-dressing (or is there? is it needed?). Innocent of murder and burglary. He has a long record for such a young wolf but on close analysis it isn’t so bad except for food crimes against animals.
Wolf’s story accounts for satin on one paw, but police reports says both paws.
Wolf’s record shows habitual animal-stealing and food-related crimes, but nothing directed toward humans. He’s not a very effective predator of humans from the looks of it. Acquitted of only lying charge (compare Red).
Red’s record shows sex wildness (use for bad acts? hint of defense for wolf on IDA charges?). Also lying.
This is the kind of thing I have in mind for these fables. Deadpan but still funny, with lots of ambiguities and a true criminal flavor and plenty of room for story-telling. We should be trying for a roman policier atmosphere in the criminal stories, comparable verisimilitude in the civil ones.
I just wrote this all at one clip. I haven’t thought it through as a criminal law problem. It isn’t really a proper police report, either. There are lots of loose ends, but maybe that’s OK for our purposes.
I’m worried I may have weighted this too much on the wolf’s side. But this is for story-telling purposes only.
Note that by her own admission RH is exposed on an IDA charge. This gives her a motive to cooperate with the cops against the wolf, and gives us a reason to think the fix is in against the wolf and suspect her statement.
Little Red Ridinghood
STATE OF SACHERTORTE
DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY
BLACK FOREST FICTIONAL POLICE
POLICE REPORT
CASE NAME: State v. Woolf, No. 12345
DEFENDANT: Leonard Woolf, male wolf, age 4 calendar years, 28 wolf years (see Interspecies Age Conversion Table, S.P.D. Regs 45:592). Now in custody at Black Forest Jail; no fixed abode. Occupation hunter-gatherer.
CHARGES:
COMPLAINING WITNESS: Rhoda Riding-Hood
INVESTIGATING OFFICER: Det.-Sgt. Miranda, S.P.D., #231.
STATEMENT OF COMPLAINING WITNESS
I’m Rhoda Riding-Hood. I’m 18 years old. They call me “Red” because of my red hair. I wear a red satin cloak now to live up to my name, you know?
Anyway I was just out of jail and kind of resting up before deciding what to do, you know, college or whatever, cosmetology, maybe the army for a while, whatever, you know, and my mother goes, like, Rhoda, bring this stuff up to Grandma’s. So I’m like, OK, let me have the car. And she’s all, “no way, girl, you get into too much trouble with that car, you can walk.” I tell her I’m afraid of the forest but she just tunes me out, like she always does.
So I get all the stuff for Grandma‑‑‑ bread, apple butter, TV Guide, slim jims, eggs, beer nuts, all the stuff she likes, and a bottle of Four Roses, which is like her brand? And I put it into this stupid basket and my mom tells me not to leave the road and I’m all, duh, you know? I know how to get to my own Grandma’s house, right?
So there I am and there is like no one around, and suddenly I see this wolf. And I get like, sort of scared, you know, but the wolf starts talking real soft and smooth, not like some wolves I can think of. Anyway he talks me into going into the woods with him. We drink a little of Grandma’s Four Roses, and one thing led to another, kind of, and we dallied in there. We dallied for quite a while. I thought he was really cool. That’s before I knew he was a murderer. Then I must have dozed off.
When I woke up the wolf was gone. I put the bottle back in the basket and went to Grandma’s house. I went as fast as I could but it was dark by the time I got there. I go inside and I call “Grandma!” but no answer. So I think maybe she’s asleep and I go up to her bedroom.
It was dark there but the moon was like shining, you know, so I pulled back the bed curtains and there she was. I thought she was, anyway. She had a shawl over her face but her ears were sticking out. And I think yuk, gross! I go, Grandma, what hairy ears you have! And she goes, “all the better to hear you with, my dear!” Her voice sounded funny but Grandma was a heavy smoker and her voice got kind of grainy sometimes.
I got to wondering now. I go, Grandma, what big eyes you have! And she’s like, “all the better to see you with, my dear!” And then I see her teeth, and they’re effing huge, and Grandma had these store teeth nothing like that, so now I’m getting scared and I go Grandma! Those teeth! And she’s like, “all the better to eat you with, my dear!” And then she jumps out of the bed and it’s not her, it’s the wolf from the woods dressed up in Grandma’s clothes! Eww!
He jumps out of the bed and grabs me and I think, O wow, he’s going to eat me up, but he just tries to lick my face, and so I knee him one and he goes over and I hit him with the bottle of Four Roses and he’s out. Then I called the cops. While I’m waiting I look around for Grandma but she’s not there. I never seen her again. I’m sure she’s dead or she’d have called by now. He killed her! I want to see him, like, hang!
Rhoda Riding-Hood
STATEMENT OF PRISONER L. WOOLF
(DETECTIVE-SERGEANT MIRANDA READ THE PRISONER HIS RIGHTS, AND THE PRISONER STATED THAT HE UNDERSTOOD THEM BUT WISHED TO MAKE A STATEMENT ANYWAY.)
My name is Leonard Woolf. I didn’t kill nobody, and I didn’t dally with that girl. It’s all a frame-up!
I was on the road to try to find a job. I have an uncle, he’s in rodent control, doing pretty well now all legitimate, and I was going to see him.
But on the way I meet this girl in a red cloak. I know now she’s Rhoda Riding-Hood. I should have just passed her by‑‑ I could tell she was trouble. But she stopped me and asked me the way to the Grimm Estates. I knew I didn’t dare dally with her, what with my record and being on probation and all. But when she offered me a drink of blended whiskey I fell for that. I know it’s bad for a wolf to have whiskey but I couldn’t help myself.
So we went off the road into the woods to have a drink where no one could see us, but I swear I never touched her! Except one time she tripped over a root and I grabbed her with one paw to keep her from falling. But that’s all, I swear it.
Anyway we drank some, and got pretty loaded, and then Red says “meet me at Grandma’s house later on and we’ll party.” Then she passed out, and I thought I’d better get out of here, so I split. It was too late to get to the city before dark, and on probation like I am I didn’t dare get caught out after curfew. So I went to Grandma’s house. It was the only place I could get to before dark. Any port in a storm, right? Maybe the old lady would kick me out but I’d be no worse off than I was now, and maybe she wouldn’t.
So I went to the Grimm Estates and found Grandma’s apartment and knocked at the door but there was no one there. So I busted a window and went in. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I wasn’t going to do nothing bad in there, I swear it, just wait for curfew to be over!
I hung out there for a while until I heard footsteps on the stairs and then a key in the lock and I thought jeez, I’m busted! So I jumped into the bed and put on the hat and nightgown I found there and put the scarf over my head and closed the bed curtain and hoped for the best. The door opened and Rhoda walked in. At first I pretended to be her Grandma but pretty soon she caught on. I jumped out of bed to get out of there but she decked me and when I woke up the police are there.
I’m trying to go straight, work for my uncle, don’t dally across species lines, I check with probation every week like I’m supposed to, I don’t even break curfew! But I bet I go down for this. No one believes you when you’re a wolf.
I’ll sign what I just said, but then I want a lawyer.
STATEMENT OF WITNESS THOMAS WOLFE
My name is Thomas Wolfe. I work at the Hotel Black Forest in the rodent control department. I’m a forebeast and have about four predators under me.
I talked with my nephew Leonard about coming to work for me in rodent control. It’s good work for a wolf because it’s what comes natural but it’s all legal. He said he was going to come to the city to try out for it. We never set an exact day or nothing but I expected he would come. He’s a good wolf– he got into a little trouble before but he’s ready to straighten out now and I’m going to stand by him.
Thomas Wolfe
STATE OF SACHERTORTE
DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY
BLACK FOREST FICTIONAL POLICE
POLICE LABORATORY REPORT
CASE NAME: State v. Woolf, No. 12345
CONFIDENTIAL: FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT USE ONLY
STATE OF SACHERTORTE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
CRIMINAL RECORDS DIVISION
Pursuant to request of Prosecutor, Black Forest Judicial District, the following criminal histories are provided. They may not be complete and do not reflect proceedings in other jurisdictions.
1. Woolf, Leonard. Male wolf, born Jun 01, Y-4.
2 years probation
(concurrent)
2. Rhoda Riding-Hood, aka “Red”. Female human, born 07 Jan Y-18.
Commentary for BLS eyes only
Woolf’s given name just to see if anyone notices.
No corpus delecti re murder.
Poss. Alc. Wolf is like the statutes used to keep alcohol from Indians. Interspecies Dalliance Act a sort of miscegenation statute not requiring actual sex. (So what does it require, what can be shown? Second “offense” for wolf– is 1st admissible?) Whether going into woods to drink with girl is IDA is jury question. Interspecies porn charge one more example of how this is segregated society. Is curfew just for animals too? Beginnings of social argument here for wolf.
Wolf is basically telling truth. Guilty of alcohol charge, so maybe of probation violation also. No mens rea for cross-dressing (or is there? is it needed?). Innocent of murder and burglary. He has a long record for such a young wolf but on close analysis it isn’t so bad except for food crimes against animals.
Wolf’s story accounts for satin on one paw, but police reports says both paws.
Wolf’s record shows habitual animal-stealing and food-related crimes, but nothing directed toward humans. He’s not a very effective predator of humans from the looks of it. Acquitted of only lying charge (compare Red).
Red’s record shows sex wildness (use for bad acts? hint of defense for wolf on IDA charges?). Also lying.
This is the kind of thing I have in mind for these fables. Deadpan but still funny, with lots of ambiguities and a true criminal flavor and plenty of room for story-telling. We should be trying for a roman policier atmosphere in the criminal stories, comparable verisimilitude in the civil ones.
I just wrote this all at one clip. I haven’t thought it through as a criminal law problem. It isn’t really a proper police report, either. There are lots of loose ends, but maybe that’s OK for our purposes.
I’m worried I may have weighted this too much on the wolf’s side. But this is for story-telling purposes only.
Note that by her own admission RH is exposed on an IDA charge. This gives her a motive to cooperate with the cops against the wolf, and gives us a reason to think the fix is in against the wolf and suspect her statement.